Hazard to Myself
by PearlyJammer
Summary: A more Jaded Rogue narates the AU events of her eight months on the road. Prequel to 'The Dark Heart.' COMPLETE
1. The Long Road

Title: Hazard to Myself 

Author: Autumn  

E-mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com 

Archive: DDFH 

Rating: R 

Summary:  I'm my own worst enemy…  Rogue POV.  Set about six months after X-Men.    

Disclaimer:  The X-Men belong to Marvel, Pink owns the song 'Don't Let me Get Me.' 

A/N:  This is an AU tale of the movie universe. It is the sequel that follows 'The Dark Heart' series.   However, this takes place 'before'  'The Dark Heart.'  There will be one more instalment afterwards that wraps up the poem and 'Hazard to Myself.' This storyline features a much more jaded Rogue than the one we saw in the movie, but after eight months on the road, by yourself…well, anyway.  Here it goes.   

******************** 

  
  
Never win first place, I don't support the team   
I can't take direction, and my socks are never  
clean   
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me   
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'  
right   
  


I wish I was Jean.  I wish I was Kitty.  I wish I was anybody but my own damn self.  We're all mutants, but I'm the only one who's really alone here.  I'm not even physically close to anybody, I'm shut out pure and simple.  Story of my goddamn life.  My parents never wanted me.  That was obvious since I was dumped in foster care when I was four.  I don't remember anything about them except I never met my mom; she skipped out when I was born, and my dad never let me have any toys.  I was four and I'd never played with a Barbie.  What a start.  

The Klancey's took me in for two years, and I was shuffled around to eight different foster homes until the Gordon's took me in.  I spent the first two years of high school in Meridian Mississippi.  It was pure hell, for the most part.   My only friend was David.  He was like me; he hated sports, and didn't give a shit about country music or church.  We were close, and more than once I'm sure it was he that saved my life.  

Glen, my foster father didn't talk to me, ever.  His wife had convinced him fostering was a quick paycheck with no output involved.  Mary Ellen was worse, she didn't leave me alone.  Nagging was her specialty, and not the affectionate kind of mothers.  Her brand involved telling me how sluty such and such skirt made me look, or how stupid I was not to make an appearance at the high school football games.  Church was a subject we just plain avoided.  I was a heathen and headed straight for hell in a hand basket.  Oh well, couldn't be much worse than Mississippi.  

All that aside, I was doing all right for myself.  I was doing pretty well actually.  I was 16 and I'd be out of the system in two years, and I had a plan.  Alaska.  Might not sound like much of a plan, but to me it was everything.  It was far enough away from Mississippi to be heaven.  It was cold, and mysterious and it was my goal.   Alaska stood for independence for me.  It was all I wanted, the freedom to run my life the way I saw fit without the damn state telling me where I could and could not live.  No caseworkers, no counsellors, nothing but me and millions of miles of snow. 

  
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror   
I can't take the person starin' back at me   
I'm a hazard to myself   
  


            Needless to say, I never made it to Alaska.  It began with a kiss, not even a real 'fireworks and parade' type either.  It was barely more than a light pressing of lip to lip.  It was David; I hurt the hell out of him.  I kissed him and I couldn't stay to see what happened to him.  I was so sure I'd killed him.  He was my best friend, and I'd just murdered him, what the fuck was wrong with me?  

            I don't know what it was that happened but his life sort of sponged into my skin.  It felt like my skin was on fire, but I was too paralysed to even scream.  His fall to the floor woke Mary Ellen and Glen.  They glared at me, which I know I deserved and told me to get lost.  I can't blame them for it.  Who wants a murdering little bitch in their household?  

            I disgust myself.  Even after everything that's happened.  No matter what they say, it's something wrong with me.  I'm untouchable, instant death, there has to be a reason for it.  Nobody else has what I have, poisonous skin.  They have telepathy, or telekinesis, or the ability to control fire or the weather or whatever.  What the hell can I do?  Kill people, that's pretty much it.  

            Maybe that's why my parents didn't want me.  Hell, I am me, and I don't even like myself.  I killed my best friend, I deserve what I get.  Logan says I'm too hard on myself, but I know he knows what it feels like.  To hate yourself so much even your reflection sends bile to your throat.  I miss Logan; I wish he'd come back soon.  He promised he would.   Meeting Logan was one of the few highlights in my pathetic life.  

He helped me, he didn't have too, but he did.  He's decent like that. 

  
Don't let me get me   
I'm my own worst enemy   
Its bad when you annoy yourself   
So irritating   
Don't wanna be my friend no more   
I wanna be somebody else   
I wanna be somebody else, yeah   
  


            Rapid City North Dakota is somewhere I'll never go back to.  But who the hell wants to go to North Dakota anyway, unless it's to look at some dome rock with four dead guys.  I absorbed my second person there.  A trucker named Ralph Emerson, kinda ironic if you think about it.  Unlike his predecessor, this guy couldn't recite a line of eloquent speech unless you count 'sumbitches,' and 'fuckin' cockrockers' as poetic idiosyncrasies.  

            Good old Ralph didn't think he was being paid back properly for his generosity in giving me a lift from the northern part of Wyoming on up.  I was thankful yes, but I offered him gas money, he took it.  A deal is a deal.  It didn't matter that the money was stolen, the previous owners were back somewhere in Ohio anyway.  I felt bad about it at first.  Point is, Ralph got his money, and I got a ride.  I wasn't about to give him anymore than what we agreed on.  Besides, even if I had wanted to screw him, which was a rather detestable thought, I'd kill him.  I wasn't looking to add another name to my 'done' list. 

                 He leaned in to kiss me, and when I pulled away, he slapped me.  The slight contact with my skin made his veins pop out, like David's did, and he started convulsing.  I took off into the night and hitchhiked for three miles before an older woman picked me up.  She drove me up to the border and even bought me a dinner at Denny's.    All I wanted was a bed and a solid day of sleeping.  I was drained from my encounter with Ralph, and had a pounding headache from his voice shouting at me inside my own head. 

  
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,   
All you have to change is everything you are."   
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears   
She's so pretty, that just ain't me   
  


            I decided to lay low in a small town called Montecido.  Running short of funds certainly influenced my decision, and I applied at a small grocery store for a clerking job.  The owner was willing to pay me under the table and not ask too many questions.  That was fine with me since at the time I was still 16, and not legally an adult anywhere.  Living in Canada had the bonus that it was already cold in the late fall.  So being bundled up in thermals wasn't unusual.  I explained the gloves by saying my hands were having a terrible time adjusting to the cold and kept cracking.  

            Nobody asked questions, and that was the way I liked it.  The days passed quickly, and I grew restless again.  I didn't want to chance running into Ralph again, and I'd overheard that there was a small truck stop about 2/3 of a kilometre away.  As 'Foreman's Grocery' was the only general store around, chances of Ralph stopping by if he needed anything were very high.  This made me nervous enough to consider skipping town soon.  I was smart about it though.  I said I'd heard word from an elderly aunt in Laughlin City that she was ill and needed care.  

            Of course, I'd never heard of Laughlin, I just happened to see it on the map, and it would put enough distance between me and Monticedo to be comfortable.  I paid the modest fair for a Greyhound ticket and left the next day.     It turned out to be one of the best moves of my so-called trip. 

  
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe  
somethin   
A day in the life of someone else?   
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself   
  


  
Don't let me get me   
I'm my own worst enemy   
Its bad when you annoy yourself   
So irritating   
Don't wanna be my friend no more   
I wanna be somebody else  
  


            The ride to Laughlin City was noisy and smelly, like all Greyhound trips.  I spent 12 hours next too a punky little kid who wouldn't stop with the 'pull my finger' gags.  I finally got rid of the clown when we reached the Laughlin bus station.  It just happened to be a bar.  By the looks of it, it was a don't ask, don't tell kinda place.  Perfect for a young mutant on the run.  

            I took a seat at the bar and ordered the bar special.  Greasy hamburger and soggy fries.  It was the best greasy hamburger ever.  Finally satisfied, I turned my attention to my surroundings.  Irate Canadians were crowded around what appeared to be a metal cage.  I found a spot near the raised stage, which looked like it hadn't been occupied in years and got a look at what was going on.  

            Two men, one quite a bit larger than the other, and tattooed were inside the enclosure, apparently trying to kill each other.  The smaller guy went down, but it didn't look like he was hurt too badly judging by how quickly he jumped back up and delivered an extremely hard punch to the big man's head.  The inked one went down fast.  How did that guy do it?  He was lean and well muscled sure, but the man he'd been facing had to have him outweighed by at least 50 lbs.  Nobody could do that.  Well, no human could. 

            As if he'd sensed me looking at him, his eyes flashed towards me and studied me in the same tactical defensive manner I myself employed.   I knew he was like me.  Something in my gut just told me.  And judging by the way he looked, he knew it too. He was trustworthy, it was that simple. Which was funny considering I'd just seen him whoop major ass.   For the first time in months, I'd finally met someone who I thought I could trust.  Someone like me.  It was a terrifying thought, and I ran. 

  
Don't let me get me   
I'm my own worst enemy   
Its bad when you annoy yourself   
So irritating   
Don't wanna be my friend no more   
I wanna be somebody else   
  



	2. Strangers in A car

* * * Disclaimer in part one * * * 

            A/N: The song 'Stranger in A Car' belongs to the beautifully talented Marc Cohn.  

Previous parts of this story, and its predecessor 'The Dark Heart' can be found on Fanficiton.Net under 'PearlyJammer'  

* * * * * * 

There's a stranger in a car 

Driving down your street 

Acts like he knows who you are 

Slaps his hand on the empty seat and says 

"Are you gonna get in 

or are you gonna stay out?" 

Just a stranger in a car 

Might be the one they told you about 

Trudging out into the barren Canadian winter is not one of the smartest moves I've ever made.  I'm not a total idiot.  I know there were risks with hitchhiking, I knew there were risks with a limited cash supply, and I knew the weather was a risk.  But none of that seemed comparable to the risk with trusting a single person.  Trust means closeness and feelings and getting hurt.  Who wants that?  Would we ever enter into any type of a relationship with another person if we knew they'd tell you to get your mutant ass out of my sight?  I somehow doubt it.  And that is what I'll hear.  I've never been good enough for anybody except David, and look where it got him.  He trusted me; I probably killed him, or at least really damaged him.  

            So trust is a bad, and dangerous thing.  It's possible to live without I'm sure.  Never let my guard down, constant vigilance, and don't let anybody close to me.  Those three standards are what I decided to live by.  Fortunately for me, I didn't have to stick by them for too long.  I didn't really have a choice in the matter.    

            There are only so many chances you get in life.  It's an 80-20 ratio.  Eighty percent of the time things are going to be shitty.  The remaining twenty percent are subdivided into not too bad, all right, and opportunity.  The latter is the hardest one to recognize and the least likely to occur.  I didn't see it at first, but for once, I can see a Canadian storm did someone some good. 

            I remember the dull roar of an engine slowly crawling up the highway through the howling wind.  I strayed as far off the roadway as I could.  I knew it was the guy from the bar, something inside me just knew.  He pulled his beat up truck off the road and got off the road.  I was happy about being taken off the road, but afraid that it was the guy, and he'd want to talk.  It would be easy to talk to him, and soon he'd have leverage to use against me.  I kept walking.  He caught up with me.   "Are you gonna get in the truck, or freeze your ass off?"  

            He walked back to the truck and got in, I hesitated and he started backing up.  I had little choice, so I trotted up and opened the door.  The heat stung at first, in a pleasant way.  That painful tingle when feeling returns to your limbs.  I hadn't been truly warm like that in too long.  "What's your name kid?"  

"Rogue" I answered quickly, giving him the name I'd assigned myself when I struck out on the road. 

"What kind of name is that?"  he asked it softly, like he was interested.  He obviously didn't  think it was my real name.  It was strange.  Most people that are in the business of picking up hitchhikers don't want too know too much.  They play the Good Samaritan, but they don't really want to know what you're running from, or why, or if its illegal.  

"What's your name then?"  

"Logan."  He answered straight away.  What was he playing at? This guy was working some kind of angle.  Then again, maybe it wasn't his real name and he was just messing with my head.  I stayed quite, I wasn't sure what to make of him yet.  

"I ain't gonna hurtcha kid.  I don't care what it is you're running from, I ain't a cop and I ain't a preacher.  Your secrets are yours, you can trust me. I been where you're at before."  

"I doubt it."  I hadn't realized I'd spoken. 

"You'd be surprised kid."  he said it so softly, damn that voice.  It was so full of sincerity; I wanted to tell him it all, the last eight months of my life and why I'd run in the first place. 

"It can wait kid, Rogue." 

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome." 

Well you never were one for cautiousness 

You open the door 

He gives you a tender kiss 

And you can't even hear them no more- 

All the voices of choices 

Now only one road remains 

And strangers in a car 

Two hearts 

Two souls 

Tonight 

Two lanes 

            I'd been with Logan for two days before my defenses started to crumble.  He never pushed me to talk, but he'd tell me a little about himself.  Like he was trying to reassure me.  It irritated and comforted me at the same time.  I know he knew I was struggling with something, but true to his word, he never pushed me.  

            I learned he was a mutant and that he only remembered the last 15 years of his life or so.  He had a dog tag with the word 'Wolverine' on it, but he didn't know anything else about who he was, or where he came from.  He didn't know if his real name was Logan, but that was what it was now.  His name seemed important too him. 

            "Marie." 

            "What?" 

            "My name, its Marie."  it took me all day to work up the courage to tell him that.  I watched his reaction carefully.  Just the slightest curl of his lip let me know he was happy I'd told him about it.  It wasn't that he didn't express emotions, I just got the feeling he was subtle about them for a reason.  I couldn't say for sure though if he was aware that's what he did.  Logan was hard to figure out sometimes.  His motivations were never shady, but sometimes it was hard to pinpoint where they came from. 

            He was a quiet guy a lot of the time.  Silence never bothered him, which was fine since that arrangement suited me.  But snow is only interesting for so long, and self-introspection only lasts long enough to nearly drive you insane before you have to get your mind on something else.  Besides, I knew about this guy, I knew things that could get him in trouble, and I was still a virtual stranger too him.  But, going against my own rules, I needed to confide in somebody.  I decided to wait until we were near a stop of sorts.  I could tell him, and then split.  I'd unload my burden and run away, I was getting good at it.  

             I just needed an opportunity, an opening to start, whilst of course being strategically to my advantage.  It would be on my terms, and I'd have several plans worked out according to the reaction I got from him.  

You don't know where you're going 

You don't know what you're doing 

Hell it might be the highway to heaven 

And it might be the road to ruin

But this is a song 

For strangers in a car 

Baby maybe that's all 

We really are 

"I killed my best friend.  I ran away from home eight months ago.  I'm a mutant, and you scare the hell out of me."  Shit, that all came out much faster than I anticipated.  We were still halfway between Williamsberg and Centerville.  

"You kept that bottled up for eight months?  That's gotta be tough."  

I was floored, he didn't sound mad, or negative, or judgmental, or anything.  I had to figure out what his angle was.  "I nearly killed a trucker in Rapid City."  

Silence.  "He attacked me."  

"He had it coming then."  

"But David, didn't" 

"It was an accident I'm sure.  Nobody that kills on purpose sounds as guilty about it as you do." Logan said mater- of-factly. 

"It was only a kiss.  But he died.  I'm like a poisonous Snow White or something."  For some reason that comment sent me into fits of laughter.  It felt so good to get all of this out in the open.  

"I miss him a lot"  

"Tell me what he was like."  

I talked about David for nearly an hour.  My cheeks were wet from tears I hadn't realized I'd cried, but it felt good.  I could let go.  I didn't mean to kill David, but he wouldn't want me to beat myself up so much.  He hated people to suffer for things they couldn't control.  And this guy Logan, he was s puzzle still, but one that wasn't unsolvable.  I knew it would take time to work him out, but eventually I'd get there.  

I realized I was starting to do what I said I wouldn't.  I was letting myself get close to him.  The hurt would come sooner or later.  I could cherish this session with Logan, but it needed to be the last.  You can't live on the road, and trust people.  It just doesn't work.  

I was lost.  I wanted to trust Logan, I really, really did.  But it was terrifying.  Besides, we really were still strangers.  And you know the old saying, never talk to strangers.  But is a guy who knows your deepest secret still a stranger?  And which is worse, a stranger, or a friend?  

Strangers in a car 

Driving down your street 

Just strangers in a car 

Driving down your street 

Strangers in a car 


	3. The Past Comes Back to Us All

*  Disclaimer in Part One *  

The song 'In the End' belongs to Linkin Park.  I think it fits Magneto quite well.  I also think it fits Rogue's way of thinking and experience in this story line.  

Warning, this part is very, very dark.  Probably NC-17

** is internal thoughts 

* * **************

(It starts with)   
One thing / I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme  
To explain in due time

** I don't remember being here.  I don't know where I am.  Logan, where's Logan?  Right no sudden moves, bad headache. Blood.  That makes sense; I must have been knocked out at some time.  God, where the hell am I?  Okay, Rogue open your eyes, look for a weakness, we have to get out of here.   And I need to stop talking in the third person, even in my head.  It's creepy.  Okay, let's open on eye here.  That's it, not much light in here and I think I'm in some sort of cell. 

God, how the fuck did I get here?  Why can't I remember?  Why is it so cold?  Logan, I need to find Logan!  Rogue thought as she passed out again.   **  

  
All I know  
time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away

            "She'll be up and aware soon I believe.  We already know that thing she came in here with is fine."  Erik Lensher told his associate, Sabertooth.  "We'll begin testing as soon as she is awake.  No sedatives, we need to keep her mind as pure as possible."  

"What about her-"  Victor began. 

"You are not to touch her. It's quite enough what we're doing in the first place.  She doesn't need your filthy claws all over her.   If I find that you have harmed her in any way, you will replace our heavy friend over there" he said coolly, gesturing to Logan's cell.     

            "You're not going to fucking touch her"  Logan growled.  

            "There's not much you can do about it now is there, Wolverine?  You may not be in a lab and I assure you that you won't be returning there.  I won't deny that I have plans for you, which I'm certain, will be rather painful for you.  But, the few must suffer for the many.  If it's any consolation to you, young Rogue, I believe that is her name will be just fine.  She will be safe, warm, and relatively comfortable."  

            "When I get out of here.  I'll-" 

            "You will do absolutely nothing.  The bars are magnetized and should you attempt to escape, all you will get is a nasty shock and be repelled to the back of your cell."  Erik said.  

            Logan just glared at the man and slid his claws out of his arms.  Sabertooth stayed behind and the two hairy mutants sized one another up.  "I'll rip her up real good" Victor said, a demonic glint in his eye.  

            "Then you'll wish you were never born.  Nobody hurts her."  

            Victor just flashed his yellow teeth and slid from view.  Logan heard him slink down the corridor.  He waited until he could no longer hear footsteps before trying to contact Rogue. He tested the bars, and as Erik had said felt a searing pain shoot through his entire body as he was propelled into the wall.  His head smashed into the wall hard enough to make him dizzy.  He felt blood trickle down his head and fought to stay conscious.  It was  in vain, within seconds he passed out.       

  
It's so unreal  
Didn't look out below  
Watch the time go right out the window  
Trying to hold on / but didn't even know  
Wasted it all just to  
Watch you go  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart  
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when

            Erik Lensher tossed and turned in his bed.  He'd been haunted by memories that were now 60 years old.  The brand on his arm burned into his skin, poisoning his blood with a hate he had never known before.  Before he knew he was different.  Before his parents were taken away in front of his eyes, before the tests.  Not to further science.  Tests meant to cause as much pain and suffering as humanly possible.  

            Tests he was forced to perform on his fellow mutants. Flinging people across rooms, forcing heavy objects to fall on a person, severing limbs, breaking bones, the list was endless. Eventually  that graduated to murder.  He remembered her face so clearly.  Amelia couldn't have been more than 14.  She was like him, different.  The memory of her face appeared in his mind.  Her sweet brown eyes, the emaciated, haunted face of a person who has been victimized so often all she knew was pain.  She was the first one he killed.  Perhaps that's why he recalled her more clearly than any other.  It was her screams that filled his nightmares.  

            The metal braces tightening around her arms and legs and stomach, crushing her slowly.  The blood running out of her mouth as her eyes expelled tears.  The collar around her neck tightening painfully, but not enough to kill her.  It would have been kinder to crush her windpipe.  Instead she bled internally for hours,  while iron rings were clamped to her kneecaps, her feet, her hands, all of them crushed one by one as she screamed until she lost her voice.  

            Before she died, she opened her eyes with her remaining strength and stared him in the eyes, unflinchingly.  The sadness he'd seen in her eyes, that wild yet resigned look tore at his eyes and haunted him to this day.  It was the first thing he saw in the morning, the last thing he saw every night.  He'd lost his soul, and all faith in humanity in that instant.  They would never be accepted, they would be used against one another until the race of mutants died out.  

            Nobody deserved to die like Amelia.  Not even the bastards that forced him to kill his own kind.  He was forced by the guards to kill ten others after Amelia.  Three mothers, two fathers , four children, and a baby.  His last victim was two years old.  Old enough to understand pain, young enough not to realize why he was suffering.  Erik couldn't do it anymore.  He didn't care if he died, he was 12 years old and already held more guilt, hate and pain inside of him that life was something he could do without.  As the months rolled on, he found a new purpose, he wanted equality.  He would force it any way he could.  No person should be forced to live in fear because they were born different.  It didn't matter how many deaths needed to occur, he was steeled to a cause.   

             He honed his gift, until he mastered absolute control over the slightest object.  He planed the liberation of the camp late one April night.  He was confident in his abilities, and fuelled by a rage so deep there was nothing that could stop him.  When the last toddler was brought to him, and declared dead, he struck.  The metal walls of the testing chamber moved further and further together.  Four officers were crushed into the ball, bones crunching, instant death.  A metal gurney flew across the room, impaling one man when the metal splintered apart.  Half of the ceiling in the tiny chamber collapsed on the remaining guards, if they weren't dead already, they would suffocate in a few minute's time.  

            Drained, yet determined he forced the doors of the chamber open and escaped.  Men at the watch points were disabled by a sweep of his hand.  The shots rang out until there was silence.  Reigning in all the remaining control he had, he pushed with his will and heard the gates at each end of the camp opening.  Barrack doors burst open, prisoners raced from the paddock and sprinted through the open gates.  Some would survive, he didn't stay to watch.  Erik slipped from the camp, and collapsed in the surrounding woods.   

 I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  


            "It's why we need you. "Erik told the girl as he finished his tale.  "There must always be a sacrifice for the greater cause.  Your power is the key Rogue.  It will save millions of lives from persecution.  They can't hate what they themselves are.  It's the only way.  To free ourselves, humans have to become us.  We must become the majority.  Keep it in mind Rogue."  Erik said as he left the stricken girl in her cell.  

            "You know what he's saying is bullshit."  Logan said quietly.  His voice carrying through the bars, and into her own cell.  

            "No it's not Logan.  Erik's right.  They will never accept us, until they are us."  

            "Rogue, he's manipulating you.  He's so fucking full of shit."  

            "It's just my life Logan.  Think of everybody that could be saved.  He might be right."  

            "I don't give a shit about other people's lives.  You are not going to become the next person in his goddamn body count.  We are going to get out of here.  Don't give up hope by going along with him. Don't you ever fucking do that.  He's trying to make himself sound noble.  He's a killer."  

            "I know what he is.  But we are never going to get out of here.  Nobody knows where we are, and nobody cares what happens to us." her voice carried the same bitterness he himself understood.  

            "He's going to do it, no matter if I agree or not Logan.  I want a goddamn choice in what happens in this fucked up life."  

            "It's not a choice Rogue.  It's freaking propaganda.  What happened to him was bad and it was fucked up and wrong.  But sympathy for him is a weakness.  He's a goddamn terrorist.  They all have what sounds like a noble cause, and it's not."  

            "What the hell do you know about nobility?"  she spat angrily.  

            "Enough to know that it's wrong to agree to be a fucking tool." the sound of a fist connecting with a solid wall signalled the end of their conversation.    

            Logan lay alone in his cell, more frightened than he remembered being.  And it was for Rogue.  Fear that she had given up all hope of survival.  Fear that she was surrendering to this plan as a means of coping.  He needed to get her out, even if it would hill him. 

  
 


	4. My Sacrifice

*   Disclaimer in Part One*  

A/N:  This takes part about 6 months after part three 

One thing / I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme  
To remind myself how  
I tried so hard  
In spite of the way you were mocking me  
Acting like I was part of your property  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
I'm surprised it got so (far)   
  


            The sound of shoes dragging on the cold concrete floor was all that rang through the unending silence.  Erik unrolled the cell doors with his a wave of his hand before he entered the cell door with the girl draped over his shoulder.  He dropped her lightly on the bed and relocked the door.  The thud coming from the cell to the left of him annoyed him.  "Victor, don't just throw him on the floor.  I know not much can damage the man, but don't be such a child."  Erik called over his shoulder as he clicked the lock back into place.  

            Victor simply growled in response.  Erik's insistence that he leave the Wolverine unharmed irritated him.  He knew the man had to be kept alive and healthy for his participation in the experiments, but it still irked him that he couldn't just beat the guy up every once in awhile.  Still, he had to admit that he was glad Logan was here.  He knew that had they captured the girl by herself, he himself would have been the one in Logan's place right now.  

            From what he'd seen of the girl's powers, he had to admit that he was happy about that.  Victor had signed on to work with Magneto with full understanding of what would be required of him, it wasn't that he was unwilling to further Magneto's scientific glory, he was jus t glad that he was conscious and now where Logan was at the moment.  The pain had to be intense.  His growls of anguish mixed with her screams as the webs across their faces grew were something nobody who witnessed it would forget.  The only one who seemed to enjoy it was Mystique.  

            He scowled at the mere name.  The bitch was the most sadistic person he'd ever encountered.  She lived on pain, it excited her.  She'd watch with relish every time Erik brought and he brought in their test subjects.  He'd seen her tape record them more than once, eyes locked hungrily on the pair.  He didn't understand what Erik kept her around for.  Good fuck or not, she was both stupid and dangerous.  He doubted she'd hesitate for a second to inflict pain on him if given a chance.  She'd suggested several times that they rotate Logan with himself to test against the girl.  

            Erik had told her once that he saw no reason to incapacitate Victor when they had a perfectly good subject at hand.  It was his usefulness that kept him around and he knew it.  Erik was attached to nobody.  

Things aren't the way they were before  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore  
Not that you knew me back then  
But it all comes back to me  
In the end  
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart  
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I  
  


            Logan awoke in his cell three days later.  He was tired and drained of nearly all his strength.  The weakness he felt the first few hours after waking up was indescribably.  Moving was incredibly different as his muscles reacquainted themselves with animation.  His skeleton seemed extra heavy, and healing factor or not, he felt like shit.  He could only imagine how Marie felt.  He supposed that after she absorbed him, she was forced to absorb Magneto and then attempt to power his machine.  The screams were terrible the first time.  He's been forced to watch her take Magneto in the first time, and then the machine, and then revive her with himself.  He was willing to do that bit, would have done it anywhere if it meant that she would live, but he hated himself for doing it, and furthering the project. 

            Erik had decided better results were garnered from her absorbing himself first, then Logan, and then powering the machine.  He guessed that she had better stamina and would pass out, but not die.  He guessed correctly as they were attempting to now get the correct mixture of Logan's power, and Magneto's power in a concoction that would allow Marie to power the machine but stay alive.  Logan wasn't stupid enough to think that he kept Marie alive for sheer humanitarian reasons; he suspected it was for one thing alone, juice for the machine.  

            His mutation inside of Marie carried over into her very personality; her resolve to escape was back and was more fevered than ever.  Every night that they were both uninjured, and conscious they would stay up late into the night working on a plan to get out. Progress was slow, it was true that they were not guarded at night, but the only time they were out of the cells was to and from experiments.  They were brought to and from the experimentation room by Magneto and Sabertooth.  If they were going to escape, it had to be in that time frame.  

            As Magneto pulled Logan with his power, it had to be Marie that caused the distraction they surely needed to escape. Logan thought quietly about the situation, analysing all the players and all the possibilities in his mind.  There were the cells themselves, his was magnetized, hers he assumed was not.  She had his power, but he'd heard her leaning against the bars before and she didn't seem affected.  There was the fact that to his knowledge there were only two other people in the place.  Sabertooth, who he suspected wanted to fight him for whatever reason, and Magneto.  Magneto was clearly physically weaker than Magneto, but he was so calculated and collected in every way.  He was also arrogant.  No guards could be detected near them, and only his cell had extra protection.  He needed to study his opponent, use the arrogance against him. It was their best hope.  It was a slim shot at best, but it was an opening.      

I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  


            Rogue was nervous, there were so many things that could go wrong with this plan.  The Logan in her head, and in the cell next to hers told her that everything would be alright, and not to worry, but despite his reassurances, she couldn't help but worry about what could happen.  In the end she agreed that it was best.  Even if they died, it was better than this hell they were living.  She wanted them to get out of here, or in the worst-case scenario she wanted Logan to get out of here.  It was slowly killing him to heal her each time.  It took him longer to recover, and it was quicker for him to fall. She didn't know if he noticed, but lately she'd been waking before him after a test.  She could feel his presence grow stronger in him, and pieces of himself and his mutation were taking up a more permanent place in her mind.  She couldn't tell him, it would be cruel.  

            But she was sure he knew that he was fading.  It would take awhile longer to kill him, but one day, he would never recover, and never wake up.  She didn't want to live to see that day.  They'd been thrown together in this without asking for it.  He'd done her a favour; he'd saver her life and kept her strong.  In return all he got back was pain, sorrow, and a loss of his mutation.  It was a bitter pill to swallow, to realize that she was killing the only person she'd come to care about.  It was the fault of another to be sure, but all in all it was her skin, her existence and her life that was draining him away.  She hated that, and the hate built to a rage and a passion that she wasn't aware existed.  

  
I've put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
I've put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
  


            A week ago, the plan had become finalized.  They waited tensed and nervous.  Marie holding onto the single weapon in her hand.  Logan tensed and ready.  Each thought back to how this evolved as the footsteps came down the hallway.  

******** 

            "Marie, stick your arm outside of the cell.  We've only got one chance at this.  I'll be thrown back against the wall after I slide this too you."  

            "I'm ready" she said a few seconds after he heard the rustling of fabric brushing bars and floor.    

            Logan extended his claws, the middle one on his left hand much looser than the other two to the trained eye.  The thought had occurred to Marie about three weeks ago.  It was a shrewd thought that had never occurred to him before, it was genius. The metal in his body was not a part of him, and therefore his mutation did not affect it.  Over the past few weeks he'd been able to slice through the ademantium implanted in his arm, and all it looked like to the outsider was Logan sharpening his claws.  He's been careful to keep up the pretext of the action by pointedly baiting Sabertooth.  

            The shavings from the deteriorating claw base were folded carefully into a hold he'd poked into the thin mattress on his bed.  There was virtually no way to detect it.   He was now working on the final few cuts that would remove the claw completely from his arm.  It was off, a deadly weapon that their plan was so dependent upon.  He quickly retracted the remaining claws and gathered the few shavings. 

            Seconds later he was on the ground and ready to send it over.  "Be careful, it's sharp," he said as he shoved the claw sideways and hit the metal of the bars.  He was thrown backwards, hit the wall and passed out before he could be sure Marie had the claw.

Marie grabbed the metal, and winced at the loud thud as Logan hit the wall of his cell.  It was the final push; she was ready to do this.  By any means necessary, she would get out.  She was finally thinking like Erik. 

***** 

I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter

          The cell doors rolled back, Logan and Rogue were both facing the walls of their cells.  Counting to five.  They had timed it, they had calculated everything.  Three, two, one, Rogue struck.  Before Erik's first footfall towards her had ended she whirled and struck.  The aim was true; Erik's throat was sliced precisely as it needed to be.  The shock in the blue eyes registered briefly before he fell face fist into the cell, gasping for air and losing blood.  

            Logan knew Rogue had hit her mark; the magnetic hold on him dropped and he launched himself at Sabertooth.  His five claws sunk into the flesh of the mutant, and he drove them upwards.  Victor knew he was in trouble; he'd underestimated this guy.  He knew he was facing his final moments.  The metal claws raked up his inside, burning with deadly force.  But Victor wouldn't go down in a fight without causing some damage of his own.  His hands rose and he planted them on the top of Logan's chest.  Tearing, ripping the toughened flesh instantly.  The claws on his right hand pierced through all the flesh, until he came to the heart.  

            Marie turned the now dead Erik over and pulled the claw from his throat, getting showered in blood once again.  She turned towards Logan's cell, intending to help. 

            Logan was too fast; he twisted the two claws inside the mutant while his right hand swept Sabertooth's head off in a clean cut.  The damage was done though.  Logan was loosing so much blood, from ten separate wounds to his chest.  He fell to his knees, and a blood covered Marie stepped towards him.    

            "Get out!"  He wheezed.

            "But Logan, you've got to come with me!" she cried tears filling her eyes.  

            "Marie get out, there's no time."  He panted hoping she would take off.  Then this wouldn't be in vain.  

            With a final look at him, she took off with the claw in hand.  Logan collapsed on the concrete floor, breathing shallowly. She would get out, she would survive, he was certain of that.  It made this all worthwhile.  He felt a strong pair of hands grab him and turn him over.  His eyes widened in shock as he stared at him in shock. The ugly face of the man he had just killed snarled at him before morphing into a blue face with malevolent eyes.  "You'll wish you died here before I get through with you." she spoke with utter hatred.  

            Logan had no doubt about that as she morphed into the fallen mutant once again and drug him off towards the direction of the testing lab. 

**************  

A/N The idea for Logan to cut his claw off came to me the last time I watched X-Men.  When Mystique takes on an appearance of another character, I got the impression that she gets their powers as well as she was able to sprout Wolverine's claws without injury.  Logan also cut off the claws Mystique had unleashed, with no injury to either of them.   


	5. The Begining of Destruction

( Disclaimer in part one ) The sequel to this: The Dark Heart can be found at www.autumnpenguins.com and Fanfiction.net under 'PearlyJammer' The third instalment of this series will be written when I return from Merry England ,: ) * * * * * *  
  
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
  
You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you  
  
Tell you I need you  
  
Tell you I set you apart  
  
Tell me your secrets  
  
And ask me your questions  
  
Oh let's go back to the start Rogue ran as fast as she possibly could. A mile away she finally stopped to think about all that had happened. She had left him there, to die. Logan would never have done that too her, it was wrong. It was something Erik would do, or Victor. It was wrong, she had disappointed him. It didn't matter that she was scared. It didn't matter that she had just killed a man. What mattered was Logan. He had got her through everything. He kept her alive, he saved her life, he was everything. And she had paid him back by running like a fucking coward. Pissed at herself, she set her determination to set off after him. She still had the blood claw clutched tightly in her hand. It wasn't much, but it was a chance. She could kill again if she had too, she knew that. Logan, she had to think of Logan. Surely there was somebody else at the compound. As that thought crossed her mind, she heard the distinct roar of an engine. From behind came a grey SUV, speeding madly towards the complex. She dove out of site and watched it speed by. Rogue waited for another few minutes before she was certain that there was nothing else coming. Her blood pounded in her ears and her skin felt on fire. She was thinking clearly. It was cold and calculated, she'd learned a great deal from Logan and Erik on how to deal with tough situations. Detachment, she could be detached. It was the right thing to do that she was going back there. Logan told her not too, but he would die if she stayed where she was. It was a tough call either way. One that she had to think through carefully. Erik would walk away. Logan would defy orders. It took her a split second before she put her foot down and ran back towards the complex.  
  
100 meters away she slowed to a walk. Her body was shaking, muscles protesting at more exercise than they'd had in many, many months. But the adrenaline was stronger. It gave her fuel, it pushed her to the edge. Exactly where she needed to be. She stopped dead 20 feet from the perimeter. There was something wrong, she'd made a mistake.  
  
It was a trap.  
  
  
  
Running in circles  
  
Coming up tails  
  
Heads on a silence apart  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
  
It's such a shame for us to part  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
  
Oh take me back to the start  
  
Mystique smiled cruely. All the players were in place. Logan was strapped down to the table, her assistants were on their way, and best of all, the little girl was running right where she wanted her. The little bitch had killed Erik. She didn't love him by any stretch of the word. She didn't love anybody, but that didn't mean she wasn't flat out pissed about it. The girl would pay and it would be wonderful. Mystique watched with a purely malicious smile on her face as the girl realized she was in trouble. But it was too late for her, before she knew what was happening two men were on top of her, dragging her back into the complex.  
  
On Mystique's orders, the girl was brought into the studio and tied into a chair. Mystique watched her face as she saw Logan being rolled into the room, 10 feet from where she was. The gurney rolled in after him made her pale. An assortment of knives, saws and other surgical equipment was on the gurney. She got no reaction out of the Wolverine. He knew what was coming. The girl's face was enough for both of them. She screwed her eyes closed, openly sobbing, whispering prayers for forgiveness. "Logan, I'm sorry. Oh God let him go." She pleaded through body wrenching sobs. "You shouldn't have come back Marie" his voice hard and clipped. Marie could only imagine the horror of what lay in front of him. He knew he was about to die, and it would be an excrutiatingly painful death. "I don't want her to see this." Logan said firmly. "I didn't want the little bitch to kill Erik. I didn't even want Vic to die, useless as he was" Mystique spoke as she glided forward. "You're little girlie is going to watch you die, and there's nothing you can do about it." the scaly mutant said coldly. "Open your eyes," she told Rogue. "No." Rogue remained defiant. "Open them, or I will see to it that he takes hours to die." Mystique said impatiently. Rogue's eyes immediately opened. "This is why you never become attached to anybody. It leaves you weak, and vulnerable. Nobody else looks after you. It's your job." She said softly as she pulled on a double pair of surgical gloves. She forced Rogue's eyelids up and taped them open. She repeated the process with the lower lids until it was impossible to close her eyes. "You'll remember this forever." Mystique said cruely before nodding to the men to begin.  
  
  
  
I was just guessing  
  
At numbers and figures  
  
Pulling your puzzles apart Questions of science  
  
Science and progress  
  
Do not speak as loud as my heart  
  
Tell me you love me  
  
Come back and haunt me  
  
Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles  
  
Chasing our tails  
  
Coming back as we are  
  
The screams that resonated in the room that day were all things. Pain, fear, horror, hatred, terror, and the unimaginable. Mystique had trained two video cameras onto the two earlier. One was above Logan, to give her an exact picture of what was happening. Every cut, every incision, every puncture was recorded for her viewing pleasure. The second camera was trained on Rogue, and in a way this was in Mystique's opinion even better. She watched the emotions play across the girl's face. Hate chasing terror, fear replaced by anguish. Tears spilled from her open eyes and her horse screams filled the error until she tore her voice into silence. Logan's death was long and drawn out. The pain of the knife, the saw, and every other tool used on him was magnified by the fact that Marie was witnessing this. He was in the most intesnt pain a human being can experience, and a 17 year old girl was forced to watch all of it. He was helpless, and unable to keep his mind straight for the burning of his muscles, tendons, and flesh. The healing factor was over taxed. There was no way it could cope with the torture being inflicted upon him. Wounds weren't healing, blood was spilling from his body, and there seemed to be no end. A knife jabbed at him until it's jagged cutting had no effect, muscles and bones were sewn through, and he could see a sea of red dribbling everywhere. Marie's pleas for them to stop filled his ears until the only thing he heard was the rise and fall of her shrill notes. As it grew more distant, the pain lessened. He felt it ending, his body was giving up. There was too much damage, too little blood, and he felt increasingly drowsy. His head rolled to the right, and he took in her face. Eyes open in terror, blotches from tears, and terror etched into every line. He wanted to speak, tell her it was going to be okay, but he couldn't. It was getting easier to just drift away from her face. It faded to a dull blur until there was nothing. Marie saw the light drain out of his eyes. He was gone. The pain was finally over for him. The sadists threw down their instruments. She saw one take out what looked like a hand held voice recorder, and give dictation. One began collecting the instruments, and the third walked over towards her. She sat there, not knowing what to do. Her claw was gone, she had no defence, nowhere to go, nowhere to run, and now nobody to turn too. It was her, versus him. She would be next. They were going to take the tools away and clean them, and use them on her. Instead, he just cut her loose, and ripped off the tape. Logan's blood was on his hands, and now it was on her face. Logan's blood. He was dead. They had killer him. Logan's blood was on their hands, but they never saw it coming.  
  
She saw red.  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
  
I'm going back to the start  
  
-Fin- 


End file.
